Category Archives: All Your Cakes Are Mine

How A Random Email Basically Turned Me Into A Big Blob Of Happy

I got mail and I’m going to share it!

“Hey Wassup girl? ;) You seem chillin’ like Jesus. lol. I lyke your blog and I  recently started my own. I want some help with that!! – N.J”

And then he wrote something entirely inappropriate but I ignored that because I was shocked (read: overwhelmed) with this comparison. I mean, Jesus and yours truly in the same sentence? I could totally feel a beam of light from the heavens falling on my head.

“Dear N.J,
Thank you for writing such a nice email. I get tons of emails but yours really just stood out from the rest. It’s unique, straightforward with very interesting usage of vocabulary.
Just Kidding, your email was the first but you have set the bar so high (Literally) for forthcoming emails that it would take a lot of flattery (and bribing me with delectable food items) to upstage your wonderful words. While I can try to be humble, I will save us both from the hassle and accept your compliment. Who doesn’t love the Holy Savior? Well, except for Satanists but they’re all touched in the head. Duh. This reminds me that Jesus is not in my list of inspirational people on face the book (total mea culpa); I will add him straightaway. In other words, I inspire myself, amiright? because I be “chillin’”.

As for the second part of the email, you forgot to specify the help you need. Feel free to drop in another mail – along with a list of nice adjectives and how I’m as amazing as Tina Fey or my musings makes you think of Aristotle.
I will not respond to your last inquiry because it is appalling and gross and I’m pretty sure Jesus would not approve of bizarre mating rituals.

Best,
Writes2escape “

Hit me up at writes2escape@gmail.com for anything – except for of course, inappropriate comments. 

My Strange Addiction – We Live In A Crazy World!

Yes, I’m going to be revealing what my strange obsession is in this very post.

Psych! I am perfectly normal and capable of basic human emotions. Maybe I should feel insulted if you clicked on this post wanting to read all about my disturbing and sickening habits. May I remind you, having a  mild interest in rampaging squirrels, Katanas and zombie goat apocalypse is not strange behavior.

I shall buy a squirrel and name it "Shakira Van Der Jolie" or maybe "Princess LedZeppelin"
Likes? Decide for me?

Anyway,this post is about this reality show (My Strange Addiction) I literally stumbled upon earlier this week. It’s another welcome addition to the crazy pop culture of this world where delightful individuals with serious untreated mental issues are shown on the telly as they unveil their disgusting  unusual addictions.

Apparently you can guess that these people are suffering from something because they’re practically agreeing to these:  be watched by thousands of people.  Agree to be labelled as a freak for the rest of your lives.

I watched one episode where this woman is addicted to drinking her own urine because y’know nothing is more healthier or “comforting” than drinking your own urine straight from your delicate parts.

I'm preparing for my trip to the Sahara Desert. Love me some piss juice.

Another one showed a man is in an intimate relationship with his car and then to add more horror and glee, he confesses this to his father on camera. However, I (and many, many others who express joy at seeing parents/guardians exploding in rage on screen) was sorely disappointed. Instead, the father was mystified – or appalled or maybe both. Be glad he didn’t have a stroke or something.

One of my favorite (after the urine drinker, of course) is Shower hair drain collector –  Another young man in desperate need for help. How do the producers find these people? During the episode, the guy makes this harrowing statement “…the game starts when I see the homeowner and I make the prediction that how much hair she has in her drain and then I have to find out.” – This is not creepy at all. Imagine waltzing inside your house only to find some random dude bent over your drain.

This is such an interesting show. Watch it, y’all. Show this stuff to your Momma and Paw-Paw – they would appreciate, for once, how considerably sane their child is, compared to the people in the show.

 

That Cake Is A Filthy Lie

I adore cake. If there was a way I could marry cake, I would. In fact I would be the first woman to marry a soft, sweet food made from a mixture of flour, eggs, sugar, and other ingredients, baked and often decorated. Delish.

However, I loath pineapple cream cake. That shizz is cuh-razy, y’all. It is so abominable that I can’t even imagine looking at the pineapple buried under mounds of heavy cream. I go like this:

This can’t even be in the same category as cake.

Omgees, it's looking at me.

  • Cake (lingerz.wordpress.com)

Awkward here.

Hi.

Some of you who are very well acquainted with this girl know that my born day passed by just a month ago :

How I tried to be on my birthday in my head

HEY! NO NOSE! This is how I actually felt on my birthday. The abnormal growth of my arms here are due to teh lulz.

and since it was a day which I don’t share with anybody (Actually I do. When you have family half the population of my country. By God, there is little you can’t share. But whateves. I’ll pretend I have amnesia) So, It begged me to prolong the celebration and thus no happy posts on your munchkin screens! *highly dramatic gasp*

I do believe, I’ve gotten wiser and more beautifull-er.

^LAWL! I think I might have bust a nerve  just by joining the two sentences together.

The ratio of my having an awkward encounter with some stranger has jumped – that includes eye contact (why hellloooo extremely attractiv – Omg! He just looked! Turn Turn! Dang! He’ll think I’mma stalker. This sucks. WAI IS LAYFE SO HARD?)

–>Awkward conversation

(In a godawful meeting where I was trying to self- induce a coma)

Person on my right: I really do think that Aragorn could have been fleshed out a bit more.

Me (all of God’s heavenly light suddenly energizing my bones): I know right! Plus, J.R Tolkien never gave out Aragorn’s depth of emotions! I mean, okay, we know Arwen was hot but really? Did Aragorn stoop to this level of superficiality? if he could only see I could- (clearing throat) I mean, someone else could have been perfect for him. 

Person (suddenly realizing I was speaking, and turned around): I was talking about Eragon. Not Lord Of The Rings.

Me: Oh…

>Awkward Hug:

Me: well, see ya!

Friend: Bye!

*both trying to hug but ensued with me head butting her*

Friend: Owwwww!

Me: …

See, I pull awkwardness towards me. Do you?

Nobody asked me about Inner Beauty!

Okay, I have to put this delay on the volatile emotional state I was in. Seriously, I was bawling my eyes out (WHY? GOD? WHY ME? Your good earth is laden with things that are much better than Karelay, so why this pain? ) spouting somethings which could have made Sylvia Plath sound like Ke$ha (This life is an endless unfathomable abyss; a horror show; a palace of nightmares which doesn’t end even when we die…) and literally lying comatose on my bed pretending I was Lindsay Lohan (I want another beer… J.K! Booze is Haraam, yo!) Then, I listened to David Cook for the first time after his American Idol win and his first song post-win which was something about faltering lights. Not sure.

I have come up with the assumption that Cook had an emo phase in his life and I am certainly in need of professional help to be listening to this (Not that he isn’t a talented artist – I prefer my music a little meatier) but then I opened face-the-book and read about some witches writhing in pain and agony in a status open to the world and suddenly, I felt God pouring happiness and sunshine and sparkly unicorns inside me. Wow, I’m a misogynist. Okay then.

Anyway, I promised you, fabulous stars that I’ll give you the in depth showdown to the comment I came across. You can see it in this post (I’m just doing it so you can read more of my stuff even though the comment is only one tantalizing line – You know you want to?)
Anyhooo, ”Inner beauty sh!t” – It’s actually sad that even in today’s surreal world full of high pitched cries of “Everyone is beautiful”, “Love thy body” and  Bruno Mars songs that makes you want to wrap yourself in some disturbing form and hug yourself. You still find people lurking around raining on someone’s ecstatic parade. What makes me double over and snort in derision is that these people actually think they get to decide what is beautiful. No, I shouldn’t just target this category of lovely humbugs. It’s all of us. It’s slightly amusing to find people automatically assume which thing should be called beautiful and which thing should be not.

The most tragic thing is while the chick who wrote the “inner beauty sh!t” comment seemed completely vile and could never be my BFF ever, she forgot that one day (I hope it’s soon) she wouldn’t be young and bold and risque. She can’t flaunt her face and whip those silky strands in a typhoon every single time. Sure, she’s beautiful but you can’t get love only through your face or your body (My apologies to everyone who disagrees. Continue to judge me) you still need some ”Inner beauty sh!t” to have a person like you, want you and need you like Helloza? You can’t have real insulting friends without some inner prettiness(Unless you’re Altaf Hussain – then you only need thugs to do that for you)

Love me?

And you know what: What a person is like inside reflects outside on his face as well. Maybe it’s the arch of the eyebrows that shows a certain blunt nature, The high cheekbones that emphasis a reticent side or maybe just the crooked smile. You definitely don’t want people to not want socialize with you not because of your gaping sweaty pit stains but because you be so mean and self absorbed.

Maybe that’s why I look like a cross between Amitabh Bachan, the Navi from Avatar and Veena Malik.

So, everyone of you is perfect and gorgeous just the way you are. Let no one tell you otherwise. And people who want to be your friend will be your friend no matter who you are and what you look like.

Brains and a good personality are sexy traits too, kay? Don’t hate. Appreciate.