I am here to discuss the goodness of fake texting. Everybody does it. You do it. I do it.
Unicorns Madonna does it, although she’s too darn good for that.
Fake Texting To Avoid Certain Unpleasant Individuals:
Ever since God bestowed us with mobile phones, Mankind has been relieved of searching for alternatives (books? Magazines? Sporadic Headaches?) to avoid social interactions with particular people.
You are standing there and you see someone you obviously want to avoid. You’re looking here and there, careful not to make eye-contact, with your heart pounding in your chest. Fear not, just whip out your best friend – that would be your snazzy phone – and pretend to text. Chances are:
a) They wouldn’t see you.
b) When they see how busy you are punching the keypad, they’ll probably leave you alone.
c) They’ll stick around to chat which is totally dumb, youknowwhatImsayin. You can actually be texting and saving a life, and all that talk is making you stumble on the words you’re trying to write. People here have no soul. Tell them that. It would work.
Fake Texting While You Wait:
Ever felt stupid waiting for someone and have lots of people stare at you as they walk by? I do! Because I was a pretty punctual person back in the days and since punctuality is totes Haraam to majority of the population here. I was the first one to be greeted with strange stares by strange people, and strangely one time, this happened:
I was sitting in McDonald’s, waiting for my friends and the table next to me had two lovely girls around my age. While I was plotting how I would murder each of my friends for this. The girl whispered something to her friend as she glanced at me. She was pretty audible.
“Boyfriend ka wait kar rahi hay.”
“She’s waiting for her boyfriend”
And out came my phone because I didn’t have the energy to engage in a civilized conversation with this lady. At least she thought I wasn’t deprived of some hypothetical texts from my hypothetical boyfriend. The funny thing was when Niqs arrived (who is 100% female) the girls glared at her as if Niqs was hiding a boy under her Kameez/Shirt. I proceeded to give them both “suck it” smiles intermittently – which led them to leave 10 minutes later. Ha!
Fake Texting To Avoid Situations:
This one is the most important. For everybody who hates a confrontation or tries to present a ‘neutral stance’ – get that bad boy out. I mean, your phone and start texting. To Noone.
I’ve been to too many dysfunctional dinners where one moment everybody is spitting out unicorn rainbow over Biryani and the next second, there is a full out brawl. Somebody is obviously filming the scene from a lopsided position to look as if they are texting (fun stuff!). A few others are staring intently at their phones or getting up to take some ’emergency calls’ while the temperature of the room is close to that of a Brazilian Rainforest.
With the recent projects, I obviously had a lot on my plate and thus was less than nice to my fellow group members. What one or two of them did to avoid being yelled/glared/humiliated by me was they took out their I-phones (much, much better than the ghetto phone I own. Another legit reason to be pissed off on)
If you hear your friend being yelled at by their parents, this is the number one thing you should do. Obviously you’ve heard the whole thing but it’s totally better that you should be found doing something.
Why You Should Not Actually Text While Your Fake Texting:
Me: I’m really bored. No one here. I mean, I dunno.
Friend: Where are you?
Me: I dunno. Sad. Food. bweifyewoqhf. You are weird. K.
Or something meaningless than this. God Forbid, you can even sent some of your useless texts to your colleagues or acquaintances and how awkward would that be?
In extreme situation: Pretend to call someone and then have a whole pretend conversation.
Me: “Hello…Yes, this is she…OhMyGod…No…Right…Basically, I think our foreign policy needs a lot of working on… I know right, them samosas are delish… That’s what I keep telling them…as much as sunburns are sexy , you should definitely put some sun screen on…Yes, someone told me it has some cancerous ingredients (apparently everything causes cancer nowadays) …Oh, no I don’t play tennis but gotta go now, B’bye!”