Oh, The Things I Write About

Time To Answer Your Questions/Dispense Helpful Advice

A good haircut can save this world.


I want to be cool. Any easy tips? I have been struggling to embrace my inner suaveness for years but alas, it has evaded me. 

– Anon

Dear, Anon

I thought you wrote: I want to cure cancer. I was starting to get emotional.

Now I’m not.

I get it. You want to be a smooth criminal, and your chai begs to bring all the boys/girls to the yard. Lucky for you, I have a solution. LIKE ALWAYS.

1. Google a list of obscure music (Don’t write this exact same sentence in the search bar, okz)  fill it up in your phone/I-pod then blast it around like nobody’s business. Sneer at everybody who asks which artist you are listening to – after all, you have some pretty kickass taste in music. You won’t even come near the Top 10 shizz, puh-leaze. Continue to act smug until you reach safely inside your home. Feel free to unleash Beyonce or Shakira that are in that hidden folder. Your hips are not included in the lying game.

2. Have an opinion about everything.
(“You have five kids? LOL. Clearly, nobody told you about the population crisis. We live on planet Earth, by the way.)
(“So many problems in this country! Of course, I won’t move my sweet ass to do something about it (obvs, my sweet ass is delicate) but I shall continue to pontificate over how dysfunctional our government is on facethebook like a sesquipedalian analyst. Awesome, amiright?”)

There. Run, child. Your new best friends await you. You’re welcome.




18 thoughts on “Time To Answer Your Questions/Dispense Helpful Advice

  1. “your chai begs to bring all the boys/girls to the yard”
    Is there a secret anu malik hiding inside you? (Anu malik is a indian artist who flicks non-indian music/lyrics all the time. Makes his very own. And apparently it works)

    Great advice, maybe a teenage agony aunt in a local daily awaits you?

    • I think I do know him. Isn’t he the same producer who copies A LOT of Pakistani and western music and dishes out his “rendition” of it? I’m pretty sure that’s him. If yes, then OhMyGod, I’m the new Anu Malik.

      Haha, I await ze call of newspapers. If they ever happened to catch a glance of this.

      • I’ll confess I haven’t listened to much pakistani music, other than nusrat fateh, ali zafar and some naazia hassan(I grew up in a joint family with elder cousin sisters)
        Yes, that’s him. Although there are many phonies around. But, Mr.Malik wins due to seniority.
        If you ever need a recommendation, I’ll put a nice word in for you, after all I don’t know many people. Who go around saying. “Holy Halwa/Sharwama”

  2. drsuraiyanasim says:

    😀 😀 😀
    Gosh Tabby! You never fail to make me smile broadly or even chuckle delightedly! You have amazing humour. Love your sense of raw, in-your-face entertaining energy!
    You are like a full, chat-pata Bollywood masala movie!!! 🙂

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