I suppose this will be one of those rare, honest posts I end up writing – and immediately regret posting it afterwards. Maybe it is because that this blog was never meant to have an identity, my identity.
I’m sure with my fantastic procrastinating abilities, the number of people/ squirrels who read my blog have dwindled down to
zero 1 or 2, so I think we’re safe.
I was away from home for 4 days because there was a conference at my university and I was a part of the organizing body. Since I was so busy; a clutter of mess, curly hair and paper and all, frantic typing. I barely had time to call my parents the first day – pretty sure, as they tried to contact me, they had already conjured up horrifying images of what could have had happened to our daughter – I finally did call them, as soon as I woke up the next morning, groping for my phone on the table and wincing at the crack my back produced. (Should call this post, “An Honest Tale of How My Back Was Murdered And Other Stories”)
Anyway, I continued to give them an update on “Hi, I’m still alive. Starving and sleep deprived but YOLO!” We said cheery goodbyes. And then I got a tiny bit sad because even though I want to eventually leave this place, find my own corner somewhere in the world (this decision is backed by my family) I can’t help but think that when the time actually comes, would they really let me leave? 4 days felt like 4 years to them. It’s nice to know that I am valued. But…will I still go in spite of everything?
Skipping the hard questions, I think I had a good time at the conference. I laughed a lot, I cracked a lot of dead pan jokes – and teased a couple of people (this is how I show affection, okay) I ran the entire length of the corridor multiple times and probably lost a couple of kilos, I even danced – just some harmless swing of the hip, bones jutting out and hair swinging back and forth. Contrary to popular belief and a true shocker for yours truly, I turned out to be a great actress: my voice rose, features contorted and there was a hard edge to my words on one occasion (or maybe two!) I feigned anger when I thought there was a need for it. I couldn’t keep it up for more than 5 minutes though because by then, I was trying not to snicker. I mean, wow. This shit actually worked.
People can surprise you. I can vouch for that statement. I grew to like certain individuals, gained respect for some of them as they worked around me, and learnt their quirks and ways, I bet they wouldn’t know that ONE CREEPY GIRL was constantly observing them. But it was beautiful, and I couldn’t help it. It’s fascinating and so personal to get to know someone’s attitude and emotions from afar, like glimpsing into this tiny piece of their life through a stained window, so personal that I might as well be sharing what they were feeling.
Maybe I’ m not as strange or creepy as that random guy from the Global Village who said to me, “I’ll definitely have my eye on you in the theme dinner,” Naturally, I was most amused by this statement and proceeded to give out a coherent reply of, “… that is not weird and creepy at all. Okay, bye now.” And then, Oh God, we made eye contact at one point during the theme dinner. I quickly looked away. Moving on.
There were some silly, hysterical moments too when the entire day seemed like a blur (this is also called severe sleep torture symptoms. Don’t try at home) I only remember my moods – happy, acutely aware of my youth and maybe, just a tiny bit awkward at suspended words and stares. Sitting with a group that obviously had left their inhibitions in the meeting room, at 2 am in the night, as music blared and familiar people whizzed around me projecting their terrifyingly high energy level at the godawful hour. Did I say something stupid in the haze of sleep? Oh wait, don’t care about that now.
However, I’m not sure of the impression I made especially since someone who knew me vaguely for a couple of months, a bit better in the last 4 days, commented on my career choices in a casual conversation. My eyebrows shot up at the suggestion he made. I’m sure he has his reasons but I was mildly offended. Then I smiled because this person had tried to make an educated guess, by placing what little he knew about me in a misshapen box. So I dismissed his assumptions and laughed it off. But really, I was kind of slightly disappointed.
Let’s just not pursue the subject. I’ll throw in a sentimental line here. I don’t think I’ll forget about these 4 days for a long time. It was more about the people, than anything else. It was a rush, pure adrenaline running through my veins, imaginary sparklers in my hands, experiencing somethings that I thought weren’t meant for me and liking it. Rolling my eyes at my inability to get a good picture taken, almost crying at the sight of the McCrispy meal that appeared at 4 in the morning, feeling my face burn with embarrassment when someone said something extremely nice to me, about me. I wasn’t 17 anymore. This happened after 5 years.
It was good. This post is too long. I’ll just shut up now.