Oh, The Things I Write About

Time To Answer Your Questions/Dispense Helpful Advice

A good haircut can save this world.


I want to be cool. Any easy tips? I have been struggling to embrace my inner suaveness for years but alas, it has evaded me. 

– Anon

Dear, Anon

I thought you wrote: I want to cure cancer. I was starting to get emotional.

Now I’m not.

I get it. You want to be a smooth criminal, and your chai begs to bring all the boys/girls to the yard. Lucky for you, I have a solution. LIKE ALWAYS.

1. Google a list of obscure music (Don’t write this exact same sentence in the search bar, okz)  fill it up in your phone/I-pod then blast it around like nobody’s business. Sneer at everybody who asks which artist you are listening to – after all, you have some pretty kickass taste in music. You won’t even come near the Top 10 shizz, puh-leaze. Continue to act smug until you reach safely inside your home. Feel free to unleash Beyonce or Shakira that are in that hidden folder. Your hips are not included in the lying game.

2. Have an opinion about everything.
(“You have five kids? LOL. Clearly, nobody told you about the population crisis. We live on planet Earth, by the way.)
(“So many problems in this country! Of course, I won’t move my sweet ass to do something about it (obvs, my sweet ass is delicate) but I shall continue to pontificate over how dysfunctional our government is on facethebook like a sesquipedalian analyst. Awesome, amiright?”)

There. Run, child. Your new best friends await you. You’re welcome.



Oh, The Things I Write About

Old Diaries Filled With Rage, And Poses That Are So Fake

You know when you’re having a good week and suddenly, you’re thinking “This is wrong. Something bad WILL happen. Yallah. Jesus. Bhagwaan. [Insert your favorite name for God here]”

That ominous feeling just hits you, fills your stomach with dread and as your survival instincts kick in – you run to your reservoir of emotions or in my case, gather pens to write woeful tales in shabby notebooks which have 2010 embossed on the front – Oh My, I – I can’t look y’all in the eye, right now. This is an excerpt from back in 2006.

“I don’t know why I’m writing in this stupid thing. Worst day ever. I just got to know that you can’t wear turtlenecks over your Kameez – A sin I committed, and duly mocked for – WHUT? Did I miss the Things You Should Never Wear Over Your Kameez guidebook? Apparently, wearing a stupid Eiffel tower chain over your Kameez is okay? Maybe my class fellows still need to be reminded that they live in PAKISTAN, not Paris. Anyone can make this mistake. I mean they both begin with P.

Also, someone should gut all the boys of my street. Seriously. Also the inapt management. Ran from the stray dog in broad daylight. It could have bitten me! I could have rabies or other diseases where you start mouth foaming. Upstanding gentleman, indeed, watching this delightful show. Good news though, everyone will die, InshAllah.

This makes me sound like a hormonal Al-Qaeda recruit.
Also, I may have put in the punctuation later because I wanted to show that I was an intelligent 14 year old. Did it work? No. K.

Anyway, I bring the sexy notebooks back.

My department, recently, decided to arrange a photo session of our batch.

What They Said: This photosession will enable us to engage with our students, make them more comfortable with the new equipment and help them to come up with innovative and creative ideas to make our department stand out from the rest.

What It Really Was: Fail. Gurday fail ho jana alcohol charha kay type fail. 

All we had to do was pose, and act really serious. The whole thing was beyond the usual grotesque levels of fake. It was more fake than Lindsay Lohan’s face – after all the surgeries, of course. I caught myself silently imploring to the engineer standing there to make this stop and let me return to my mind numbingly boring life. I think he mistook my “help me?” stare for rape eyes because he quickly left.

This supremely sucked.









On a completely side note: I’ve been receiving a lot of face-the-book requests (No idea how y’all found me but okay) Can you please drop in a little message so that I know that you all came from here, and are not a random stalker? Thanks!

Also, I started another blog. Completely different from Writes2escape’s. Check it out – http://tayofpakistan.tumblr.com/